Sandy Vagina Syndrome

Thousands of people, male and female, are afflicted with an agonizing condition known as Sandy Vagina Syndrome.  The most common symptoms of this disease include a predisposition towards being easily offended, hurt, with an affinity for holding grudges, and general discomfort for the sufferer and everyone within a 10 mile radius.  This illness has existed since the development of the frontal cortex in humans but it has only just recently been diagnosed and recognized as a true ailment.  Before the frontal cortex developed, humans did not have the capacity for the specific types of mixed emotions that feed into SVS.  Prior to this change, when a person got upset with another person, the issue was brought to light and resolved quickly with a stick or a rock or a roundhouse to the hairy face.

 After the frontal cortex formed, people were able to experience mixed emotions such as anger and guilt, or love and hate.  This allowed for humans to hide the auxiliary emotion which would then fester and abscess throughout the soul, body, and mind, eventually leading to Sandy Vagina Syndrome.  Through the process of constricting one of the emotions while brandishing the other for everyone to see, it creates a friction or a bed sore of types…made of sand…in the vagina…male or female.  The discomfort of a contrived life creates very unpleasant circumstances for the sufferer and those close to them. 

It can be hard to predict when a SVS attack will flare up.  This is what makes coexisting with a Sandy Vagina so tumultuous.  In any given scenario, you can interact with the SVS sufferer in a seemingly normal fashion but to the afflicted individual, you might as well have just punched their grandmother’s puppy in the face while crapping on her pillow and keeping eye contact the entire time.  However, when all you did was accidentally get upset with them but immediately apologize in a most humble way.  This occurrence of mixed emotions (“I’m mad at you but I am also sorry”) displayed directly in front of the SVS sufferer often triggers their syndrome and reminds them of their own emotional voids and instabilities…an uncomfortable situation. 

They often react with excessive polar emotions.  Some will gravitate towards the, “Beached Whale in Sandy Vagina” spectrum where they often exhibit the whale as a, “Grudge.”  The texture of the sand enables the sufferer to clamp down on the grudge/whale and grasp onto it as if were the only thing keeping their intestines from proplapsing out of their vaginas.  On the other end of the spectrum, there are the, “Constrictors.”  They discontinue any flow of emotions through them and permanently suture the sand in their vagina’s while casting an unaffected visage towards their offender in an, “I’m rubber you’re glue, anything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you because I don’t allow myself to feel” manner.  However, the telltale signs of SVS are easy to spot and a constrictor unwittingly presents themselves as contrived and miserable.

Unfortunately, Sandy Vagina Syndrome can become contagious.  The risk of contracting it is greater during the first interactions between sufferers and non-sufferers.  The unfamiliarity between each person often leads to false interpretations of these crucial interactions.  The unaffected individual unknowingly throws sand at the afflicted person through innocently ignorant comments and the SVS sufferer absorbs the sand into their vagina and chooses which pole they will express: grudge/whale or constrictor.  As soon as the originally noninflected individual realizes that their new companion is unhappy for reasons they find to be unremarkable, they will begin to form small grains of sand in their vaginas.  If left untreated, this can lead to a mature case of SVS.  Two cases of untreated SVS in one room is intolerable.    

The most effective cure for Sandy Vagina Syndrome is honesty.  This can be administered through either a blunt, brutal, submersion technique, or through a more subtle and softer technique called, “And by ‘that,’ I really meant ‘this’ and I apologize.”  The brutal, submersion technique is rather obvious: “I noticed that you are still upset after I yelled you when I had a bad day the other day.  Get that sand out of your vagina, accept my umpteenth apology, and figure out why the fuck you got so offended.”  A case study of the softer technique has also revealed some excellent examples: “I can see that I hurt your feelings when I accidentally yelled at you and I hope that you can forgive me so that we can move on and continue our friendship…and by that, I really mean get over it already you asshat!”  Both techniques have shown promising results. 

Regardless of whether or not you have developed a technique, the most important component to curing SVS is in fact honesty! Remember that our new ability to process two separate emotions simultaneously has predisposed us to confusion, resentment, and hurt.  It is vital that you keep this fact present in your mind at all times so that you do not catch SVS.  If you can remember this, then you have the ability to acknowledge when someone has sand in their vagina and not get emotionally involved yourself.  It is not their fault; SVS is a serious disease and makes life difficult for everyone.  Take every Sandy Vagina Syndrome sufferer with a grain of salt.                                      

     

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Ugly Duckling Syndrome

Ugly Duckling Syndrome can drive a woman to do crazy things.  Or at least make her want to do crazy things.  Such as actually follow through with that threat of walking around with a bag on her head, or wearing men’s pants so as to detract any attention from her body, or strategically position her hand, head resting on her palm, in such a way that it blocks the profile view of her nose.  Or refuse to wear shorts even when it is 113 degrees outside.  Or take xanax and do slightly drunken yoga at midnight…having never done yoga before.  All of this is in attempt to hide herself from the eyes of others.

Ugly Duckling Syndrome is a chronic disease.  The onset often occurs early in the child’s life.  Usually around elementary school (because kids are fucking evil).  An isolated event can normally be traced as the trigger for UDS.  For example, when the popular girls circled around her and convinced her that the most popular and attractive boy wanted to date her when in actuality, it was all a cruel joke formulated to make her cry.  Symptoms include: severe blushing all of the time, quivering with fear when a giggle is emitted from behind, maintaining her head in a downward position, avoiding eye contact, strategic seating in class to stay as far away from classmates as possible. These symptoms will persist and continue to worsen as the girl grows older.  Even if she is told that she is beautiful, she will still feel the shame of Ugly Duckling Syndrome whenever a stranger gazes upon her.

Any laugh will feel like it is being directed at her and at her expense.  Any stares that linger too long (which are all stares), will induce a severe need to possess a cloak of invisibility…or a mini gun.  Prolonged exposure to a mirror will result in flashbacks to that one time that that fuckwod told her that she looked like Kid Rock.  This will lead to an urge to punch through the mirror, through time and space, and right through that duffle douche’s face so it appears that a worm hole has opened up on his face, sucking his heartless soul out through an intergalactic freeway fraught with cosmic assholes.

With increase in age, confusion will be the largest byproduct of Ugly Duckling Syndrome.  While driving around town her amazingly legit ’94 LT1 Chevy Caprice, sporting her found Ray Ban aviators, a deep worry will spread when she realizes that men driving by are locking onto her face.  She will quickly panic and wonder if the gazes pertain to their opinions of her aesthetics (“what an ugly broad!” or “what a hot chick driving a cool car”), or to the badass status of her car.  In public venues, a desire to obtain “Go, Go, Go Gadget” skills will develop.  Instead of walking through crowds and enduring the looks of others, she would be able to utilize her Go, Go, Go Gadget helicopter hat and fly the fuck out of there.  However, upon realizing that this desire will never be achieved, a rage and disdain will fester deep within her and will quickly abscess to all of the internal organs, including the heart and the brain, resulting in a loss of confidence.

There is no known cure for Ugly Duckling Syndrome.  Non recommended treatment can include: bolstering of self-esteem through xanax induced drunken yoga, and upon finding that she has no official yoga strap with which to manipulate her body, she improvise with her boyfriend’s climbing rope that is used to climb trees to aid in cutting them down.   Pride will emanate through all of her painfully, overstretched, tight muscles as she tries to “breathe easy” while forcing her body in positions that are only obtainable by circus freaks and porn stars.  Also, drunken booty and booby shaking with female friends that result in positive feedback from the male population, as well as most other drunken activities that usually smother self-doubt and inhibitions can help treat UDS.

However, serious side effects will result from this risky treatment: extreme hangovers, regretting decisions made under the influence, aggravating Scoliosis while shaking her groove thing, unflattering pictures that capture just how not photogenic she can be.  On occasions of over-treatment, serious side effects such as back spatter of projectile vomit her the face may occur.  If this symptom persists, she must seek out Promethazine, a bed, and crack water (note: this is not actual ‘crack’ water…it is the best lemon lime seltzer water on earth and is so delicious that she craves it like a crack addict craves the rock).  After this primary treatment, she should seek out a shower, McDonald’s Chicken nuggets, large French fries, and copious amounts of Root beer and crack water.

More homeopathic, and the usually more recommended treatments include:  receiving unsolicited, heartfelt compliments from sober strangers, meaningful sex with a loving, committed partner, a solid support system of friends (male and female) who make her feel pretty.  Engaging in physical activities that help to boost confidence such as horseback riding, participating in a zombie fashion show, obtaining numerous educational certifications and degrees, involving herself in intellectual forums that focus on Jungian analysis, and successfully assisting senior mechanics with automotive projects.  While none of these activities actively engage her in acts of displaying her beauty, they strengthen the cliché of beauty coming from within.  This can be appropriately balanced with a healthy amount of attention to her outer appearance, i.e. well fitted clothing, proper makeup application technique, flattering haircuts, and acquisition of superior foot protection.

Studies have shown that a healthy balance between the listed homeopathic treatments and the drunken treatments can help UDS sufferers find peace while they struggle to solve the core problem.  It is believed that almost every woman ever is afflicted with this disease.  Knowing this, why the fuck can’t we all just be nice to each other?  Come on, betches…don’t be bitches.  Be betches.  Help us fight UDS.  July is Ugly Duckling Syndrome awareness month where we honor those brave women who shed layers to avoid heat stroke.  So just be nice.

 

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