Antiques Road Show vs. Football

It should be no surprise that someone of my cynicism dislikes football.  Just in case you had any doubts, I do, in fact loath football.  I like hockey and soccer.  I think it is the perpetual amount of play time that is able to draw me in and keep focused on the action.  In football, someone takes a damn step forward and the refs blow the whistle and throw one of those weighted flags on the field….”Excessive use of the right foot!”  At least in hockey, you can watch some good fights.  However, more superior to all sports, most definitely football, is Antiques Road Show.  Even if I had cable, I would still watch ARS.  Below is a list of reasons why ARS is better than football:

1.) ARS is by far more suspenseful than football!  People bring in their cherished antiques with hopeful anticipation that they will be the person who brings “the antique.”  They find an old sock at a garage sale and cross their fingers that it was Napoleon’s sock and will sell for $8,000,000.  But before the professional gives the antique owner an appraisal, we have to sit through a thorough explanation of how said sock was sewn and with which specific type of needles were used to create this masterpiece.  We get a detailed examination of the skin follicles left in the sock and then learn that Napoleon had tertiary Syphilis when he was wearing said sock.  After the appraiser whips out his text book about 19th century STDs in France, we can finally stop biting our cuticles off because the price is about to be revealed!  Yes!  This sock is worth…$8,000,000!  Oh man!  I thought for sure it was rubbish!  The owner starts crying and you can almost see the visions of swimming pools, new cars, a mansion, and designer clothing floating around their head.  <—- You can’t get this shit out of football.  Throw the ball, stop, run two yards, stop, kick the ball, stop, etc.  Whoopty fucking doo.

2.)  While watching ARS, you are not submitted to watching grown men wiggle around in spandex.  And when I say “wiggle,” I mean writhe around in a disgusting manner.  It is so awkward.  It is as if someone has packed a maximum load of jell-o into a zip lock bag and left it on the ground during a 6.8 earthquake on the Richter scale.  There is a physical repulsion while watching thighs, bellies, and asses wobble around underneath their spandex prison.  The worst part?  Slow motion replays.  There are ass-shots galore and I can’t help but vomit in my mouth…in slow motion.  It is perhaps one of the most uncomfortable experiences in life.  <—  You will never suffer through such unspeakable travesties while watching Antiques Road Show…ever.

3.)  ARS is both exciting and educational!  I don’t feel that is necessary to go into great depth about why football is not as education as ARS.  However, learning about the individual players’ lives remind me of those old shows on MTV about “scaring a kid straight.”  They are wonderful examples of the exact opposite of how one should direct their lives.  Remember, when packing heat in your pants…no I’m not talking about your genitals…I’m talking about a gun, check your safeties first!  I remember a news story about a player (he might have been a basketball player but basketball is just as deplorable as football) who kept his loaded gun down the front of his pants and ended up literally shooting himself in the foot.  I know people probably make idiotic mistakes like this everyday but come the fuck on!  Hopefully next time, you hit your genitals.  <—I’m going to venture to say that the majority of people watching and attending Antiques Road Show are smart enough not to shoot themselves.  A valuable thing to learn.

4.)  Antiques Road Show is not corrupt!  Touching on this subject could end up consuming me so completely that I will never stop ranting about how money is the devil.  Yes, ARS has the potential to corrupt people with the money that they could earn from selling their antique but thankfully, most of the attendees are of humble nature.  Yes, this is a mass generalization but would Antiques Road Show be on PBS if it were a multi million affair?  I think not.  Money aside, the sport of football lays claim to some of the most porky “athletes”  outside of Sumo Wrestling.  These men are paid an outrageous amount of money to stay fat!  Maybe if football legalized fighting, the players wouldn’t have to tackle each other.  They could kick each other in the faces, punch each other in the kidneys and then run off with the ball.  If you watch the following video at around 2:15, you will see what I have mind.

Annihilation.  Football is the debil!

5.)  The primary reason why Antiques Road Show is superior to football is because ARS is not the most annoying thing on the face of the earth.  ARS does not dominate every aspect of life when it is on air.  You don’t see people updating their status to read “YAY!!!” or “WOOOOO HOOOO!” or “GOOO ‘insert team name!’” when someone finds out that a ring they have been wearing for years is worth $200,000 +…even though they should be.  Shiiiiit.  That’s a lot of cash.  And it is sentimental.  I would be pissing my pants if someone told me that my favorite piece of jewelry is worth thousands of dollars.  I could afford a new pair of jeans.

Clearly, I hate football.  But I do love Antiques Road Show!  Give me a mint condition Civil War uniform over an OT 100 yard, touch pass, throw, kick, drive, tackle, possession, hail Mary thing any day!  It is days like today that make me glad that I don’t have cable.  At least that is one avenue in which I can completely avoid football.  Whew!  Antiques Road Show, holla!  Appraise my shit!