I am an existential novice but I have “dabbled” in it enough to know that it is the only philosophy that doesn’t drive me absolutely insane with self-loathing and anxiety. It has allowed me to relax and brought me such wonderful ease of mind. It is the ultimate user-friend philosophy for this bipolar son of a birch. When I immerse my mind into an existential pool, I can almost achieve the same euphoric sense of nothingness that I felt right after my blood sugar spiked and right before I passed out that one time at The Rio. Nothing…just beautiful nothing. A quiet brain.
To strip life of any preconceived meanings, is to strip it of bullshit as well. Embracing the knowledge that everything is nothing has made life a metric fuck ton easier for me. Instead of waiting around for “the Universe” to give my life meaning as well as trying to find the reasoning behind every single incident, I have learned how to create my own meanings for myself. Will I condemn or judge anyone who dares to think differently? No, because I cannot decide what is ultimately right and wrong. Right and wrong come per-packaged with imposed meanings…ready for use. I can no longer jump on that train, because this cynic can longer trust in the morals of man. Morals are acquired, not congenital. They are societal norms (a dirty word) and we all know how helpful those are. So…no, I cannot pass right or wrong judgement on others because I cannot say with confidence what is right and what is wrong. They are essentially meaningless to me.
Hopefully you aren’t clutching your phone in your hands, ready to call your local police because you now think that I am a psychopath. It is hard for me to explain in words. All I keep coming up with is “I don’t know.” I am willing to admit that I don’t know anything and I would rather create knowledge for myself versus wait for it find me. Existentialism nurtures the idea that we as individuals are wholly responsible for our own actions. We create our own morals and ethics…which can often come out confusing. However, this is where I start to find myself getting stuck in a circle of what I have come to call an existential mind fuck. If everything is nothing, than who the hell am I to even try to define myself? But then again, why not? Because, like I said, everything is nothing and nothing is everything. See? Mind…fuck. I need to learn more about existentialism before I swim in any deeper. Or else, my Neglected Pony Monster personality, the personality previously known as The Dark Passenger (see previous blog entry: Brain Committee) will become enraged with me because I am not properly training it. In other words, I will freak to fuck out.
Now that I have talked in circles and confused everyone, allow me to try and summarize this:
In 2012, I am going to create my own meaning in life. If I set my own standards for myself, as opposed to conceding to the standards of societal norms, then I am far less likely to freak the fuck out. Things do not happen to me for a reason…good or bad (remember, I don’t know what is good and what is bad), I happen to things.
I understand how simple this sounds. I also realize that I probably sound terribly cliche. “You go, girl!” “Be yourself, love yourself!” “You’re beautiful just the way you are!” <—- All vomit inducing phrases. “Just shut the fuck up and get on with life.” <—- Proper. Of course talking through the trauma and the drama is good and probably necessary, so let’s try “Just find an appropriate person to talk with and then get the fuck on with life.” Put that shit on a bumper sticker! Seriously.
I feel as though I just keep talking myself around in circles. Which is probably the truth. Sorry to anyone still reading. Maybe this will help!
These are the cliff notes of my existential manifesto. Enjoy! And just to help you understand how all of these internal debates have made me feel, watch this old favorite:
Happy New Year! Wish me luck in my existential endeavors. My goal? To hate myself a little less.
You have definitely begun an interesting journey, Elizabeth!
I’d love to sit down with you sometime and listen carefully to what you are discovering and how it’s making a difference in your experience of the world.
What just popped up in my mind as I read the “cliff notes” material is……..
“An it harm none, do what thou wilt.” Any connection, do you think?
The journey you have chosen is a very demanding and rewarding one. It sometimes is valuable to have a guide to assist you on the journey. I know you don’t necessarily like reading some of the stuff I read, but I have found the following book to be valuable in helping on the same journey you have embarked upon. I have read this book 3 times and still find more in it.
The Thinker’s Way by John Chaffee, Phd
I will have to check it out! Thanks, dad!
[...] I wrote in an earlier post (An existential new year), stripping life of any and all predetermined purpose, creates a world void of divine and [...]